Numb
by BirdSpell
Summary: He was so messed up. His older brother was dead… and he couldn't even cry. Dangantalia. Spoilers!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, everyone!**

**So, since I've been having massive writer's block on Broken Assassin, I thought writing some really depressing ChuNi might help. And Prupan bromance, because it's cute. And the East Asia family cameos, which wasn't planned at all, but there we go.**

**…Yeah, I don't really get it either.**

**Actually, the real reason is because I've been watching Danganronpa AMVs again.**

**Also, there's no ChuNi fics for Dangantalia. And, come on, after that trial? How has no one written anything for that?**

**All rights go to their respective owners, blah blah blah, you get the picture.**

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_"Even I have people I want to protect, you know."_

_"I was hoping he'd be excused."_

_"Do not betray your comrades."_

Japan clamped his hands over his ears. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

He didn't want to hear it. But every second of that… evening's?… trial kept replaying itself in his head, like a playlist on repeat that he couldn't turn off or unplug. He… couldn't… stop listening. _Maybe… if I'd done something different, if I'd… I'd…_

Oh, there was nothing he could have done. They were gone, all three of them, Spain-san, Germany-san, China-nii…

_China-nii… You bakka!_

China was gone. He was _gone_. Possibly forever. Japan sat on the edge of his bed. _Gone, gone, gone…_

Why wasn't he crying?

China was gone. His big brother was gone, gone far away, he'd murdered two other people and let himself get caught and he was _gone_ and Japan couldn't even cry!

_I should be crying.  
><em>  
>He'd heard, in that blood soaked room, after that bastard Monochrome had left, Italy sobbing uncontrollably and Russia muttering in defiance of what they'd just seen and Prussia asking him gently if he was alright, as if through cotton wool over his ears, and he'd just… stood there. He hadn't answered or moved. He wasn't even sure if he'd been breathing. He'd just stared at the bloody metal staining the floor and stood there, silent.<p>

Then he'd left, without another word.

And he hadn't cried.

_Why am I not crying?!_

China-nii… He…

_I can't… feel… anything…_

He wasn't sad, or angry, or… anything. Just numbly detached. Like he used to be. When he fought… When he fought and killed and _obliterated_, because he'd thought that was all he was good for.

He felt sick.

He sank to his knees beside the bed and pressed both hands over his mouth, shaking. _I can't do this anymore!_

Japan had always had the ability to shut off his emotions, leave himself as the perfect killer; one without fear, without anger, without remorse. In this place, he used it to make himself the perfect detective. But now…

_I can't… I can't keep going like this, I can't!_

He couldn't breathe.

He was scared.

He wanted his brother.

But China-nii was gone.

He retched.

He barely made it to the toilet before his last meal made a rather unpleasant reappearance. Once he was done, he simply knelt there on the cold tile, shivering violently. Then he stumbled back, colliding with the wall and sliding down it.

"Ch-China-nii…"

_"He's my little brother I can boast of~aru!"_

_"No, that's not true."_

_"Don't deny it~aru!"_

"_Gomenasai_…" Japan whispered. "I'm sorry, China-nii… I didn't mean it…"

He stood, flushing the toilet and rinsing out his mouth. Then he made his way back to the bed and sat heavily, forcing his breath to even. He glanced over at the table, just visible from where he sat.

"Huh?"

There was a box sitting on the wooden surface. He frowned, making his way over with no small degree of trepidation. "A motive already…?"

Please no. Please, please, oh kami no. Not now. Not so soon…

He opened the box and pulled out… a necklace.

Not just any necklace, though. This one was a red Chinese dragon dangling from a silver chain. He knew this necklace. He'd known it for centuries.

_"Yao-ge, what's that?"_

_"Isn't it pretty, Kiku-di~aru? It was a gift from the Empress." The red dragon caught the light as it spun on the end of its chain._

_"Hai, it's very pretty…"_

_China laughed. "Maybe I'll give it to you one day. I know! I'll leave it for you in my will~aru!"_

_"That's not funny!"_

_"It's not supposed to be. It's true."_

Japan held the necklace close to his chest. "China-nii…"

There was something else in the box. A note. He unfolded it hesitantly and began to read, eyes scanning over the kanji China had taught him so long ago.

_Kiku-di,_

_If you're reading this, I'm most likely dead. I know I will be, in fact, because if I'm alive, then you'll be dead. And I'll never let that happen. I don't care what I have to do. I'd fight an army for you, you know._

_Don't blame yourself. Nothing that happened is your fault, and I truly am sorry. I never wanted to kill anyone, or hurt you. You're probably hurting now. I'm sorry. It was the only way._

_Do you remember this necklace? I told you I'd leave it for you when I died, remember? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. It was such a small thing._

_I would be shocked if you didn't hate me now. You have every right to. I don't know if you'll even keep the necklace, or just throw it into the incinerator. But, if you do keep it… don't forget about me, okay? Because, even if you hate me, even if you do your utmost to kill me…_

_Wo ai ni, Kiku-di. I always have. And I always will._

_All my love,_

_Yao_

Japan blinked, his vision blurry. _Wo ai ni._

I love you.

"_Aishiteru_, Yao-ge," he murmured past the lump in his throat. "Forever and ever, no matter what."

Japan didn't sleep that night.

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"Japan, are you alright?" England looked at him concernedly.

"Hm? Oh, _hai_, I'm fine." His words sounded false, even to his own ears, and he sat quietly in his seat. America frowned.

"Aren't you going to have something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry. Maybe later."

"And that is Japan-speak for never. Dude, what's up?"

He held himself back from snapping and reached one hand into his pocket to touch the note, folded up neatly and securely. "Nothing. Honestly, I'm just not hungry."

It wasn't entirely false. He wasn't hungry.

"Ve~ Japan? Are you okay?" Italy, having just entered the room, asked.

_He doesn't know you've just been asked that. He's suffering too_. "Fine," he managed, forcing a weak smile.

"Oh… Okay. You just look really tired and kind of sad, so…"

"I'm _fine_," he insisted. Italy didn't press it.

Prussia flopped down beside him. "Hey."

"Morning."

"So… I'm not going to ask if you're alright, because you're obviously not. Wanna talk about it or something?"

"Not really."

"M'kay." He sighed. "So what now?"

"Who knows?" France replied. "We've lost so many… And the worst part is, all the killers had motives that, while I didn't like, I could empathize with."

"Uh, China didn't have a motive," America pointed out. "He just murdered Spain and Germany for no reason."

"No, he didn't," Japan said firmly. "He was protecting someone, he said. That's a perfectly reasonable motive, although, as France-san said, I don't exactly agree with it."

"If he really had a motive, he would have told us who it was!"

Japan sighed. "If you killed someone to protect… Canada-san, say, and everyone knew you were going to die because of it, would you want him to know?"

"Well… no. But two people? And there had to be a better way. A better choice he could've made."

"Like Canada-san could have?" It was a low blow, and he knew it, but he wouldn't let the others blame China, or hate him. Better that they hated Japan. "Don't question the dead, America-san. They're not going to explain their choices."

"Don't you dare drag my brother into this!" he yelled. "You're not the only one who's lost someone!"

Japan stood. "You think I don't know that?" he hissed. "Everyone is suffering in this place. But Canada-san wasn't the only one to die. You're not the only one who's grieving here. So stop acting like you're the only one who gives a _shit_ about everyone who's died!" His voice cracked.

America's eyes widened, then narrowed. "Like you care? Funny, the last time I checked, your entire family—_including_ China—_hated_ you." The unspoken 'And for good reason' hung in the air like the shadow of despair.

Japan stumbled back. It felt like all the air had left his lungs. America stared at him. "Fuck, Japan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

He didn't hear the end of the younger nation's sentence. Nor did he hear the others calling his name as he bolted from the cafeteria and slammed the door behind him. A strangled keening sob slipped from between his lips.

Then he ran.

He didn't stop, or even slow down, until he was safe behind the door of his bedroom, the lock turned and a chair jammed under the handle. He crumpled onto the bed and sobbed desperately for the first time since this fucked-up _game_ started.

He lay there, bawling his eyes out, for what felt like an eternity.

Then someone knocked on the door.

He pressed a fist into his mouth and took deep, shuddering breaths, fighting to bring his emotions under control. He didn't say anything. Maybe whoever it was would just leave.

They knocked again. "Japan?" Prussia's muffled voice called through the door. "I know you're in there. And I'm not gonna leave until you come out."

He didn't answer.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Please, Japan. Talk to me. Say something. Even if you just want to yell at me or tell me to piss off… just say something."

Knock, knock, knock.

"Japan!" His voice was louder now, almost… frightened? "Please! Please, let me in!"

He stood slowly and dragged the chair away from the door, resting his hand uncertainly on the handle. He remembered…

The last time he'd answered a knock on his door, a masked, hooded figure had knocked him out before he could so much as call out. He'd woken in the Health Centre, China holding his hand and begging him to wake up.

He forced back a sob and unlocked the door.

Prussia stepped into the room and wrapped his arms tightly around the smaller nation, carefully maneuvering further into the room and closing the door, locking it behind him. "Gott, Japan…" He pulled away, turning the raven-haired man from side to side, looking him over. "Gott…" he said again. "You're a _mess_."

"Thank you for stating the obvious," Japan managed, his breath hitching in his throat.

Prussia led him to the bed and sat them both down. "Hey…" he murmured. "You can cry if you want. I don't mind."

The other shook his head. China told him not to betray his comrades… He had to be strong, he _had_ to-

"Not all the time, you don't." Japan stared at Prussia. Had he said that out loud?

"Y-yes I do! I have to- have to-"

"Don't be an idiot!" Prussia grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "China wouldn't want you to run yourself into the ground!"

"M-maybe he would," Japan hiccoughed. "They all would."

"'They'?"

He nodded furiously. "Hong Kong and Taiwan a-and the Koreas- America-san was right! They _hate_ me!" he wailed. "And they should! I-I deserve it, I-"

"Japan!" Prussia shook him again. "They don't hate you. I've talked to them. They've never hated _you_; they've never hated Kiku Honda. They've hated Japan, sure… But you have to be human first and nation second. Always."

"N-no! They hate me, I know they do!" His breathing hitched unevenly. He couldn't breathe-

"Japan!" Prussia forced their eyes to meet. "Calm down! Just breathe, okay?"

He shuddered with the effort of calming his emotions enough to breathe. *Calm down! Calm… down…* He sighed. He hadn't freaked out like this since… 2011, maybe? Almost four years now. "I- Okay," he murmured. "Okay. I-I'm fine now."

Red eyes flickered over his face. "Japan?"

"Mm?"

"What do you want to do… once we escape?"

He frowned. "I don't know. I guess I've… never really thought about it. Ah… Well, first I want to bring back everyone who died. I know there's a way…"

"And then?"

"And then… I guess I'd like to get things back to the way they were when I was younger, if that's possible." He sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd never even heard of the Western world."

"Ja… Your life changed a lot when we showed up, didn't it?"

"Hai. But I do like having so many more friends outside my family… I just miss it, I guess."

"You really miss China, don't you?"

"Well, of course," Japan replied, surprised. "He's… my brother, after all. And I just… want him back, more than anything."

"Yeah, I want West back too. But freaking out because they're dead… won't get them back."

"No. But that doesn't make it easy."

"No." Prussia shot Japan a look. "Is this the first time you've lost a family member?"

"Depends what you mean by lost. None of them have died."

"Huh." Prussia wrapped an arm around the smaller nation. "Well… it doesn't get easier. But, hey, once we get out, we'll get them back. And then we can throw a party or something!"

"That sounds like a good idea."

"Of course it is! It's _my_ idea, after all!" Prussia sobered. "You really love him, don't you?"

"China-nii? Yes. Yes, I really do."

Prussia grinned. "Come on, then. Let's go plan our daring escape."

"Sounds like a plan."

He happily followed Prussia back to the cafeteria, touching the chain around his neck.

And in some other dimension, China smiled.

"Good luck, Kiku-di. I know you can do it."

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**Aw, Japan is so cute when he's sad.**

**Kiku: What is it with you and writing me all sad?**

**It fits!**

**Before the America fangirls come after me, he didn't mean anything he said to Japan. He also didn't believe that China didn't have a motive. America just strikes me as the type who'd try to make himself hate the killer, to make it easier to deal with the fact that he basically sentenced them to death. And as for the rest of the stuff, he was upset and he really just wanted to lash out, so he struck on something he knew would hurt. That doesn't mean he meant it, or even meant to say it.**

**Anyways, I need to go and watch more SDR2.**

**See ya~!**

**-Bird**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yay for me, I actually got around to continuing this.**

**Since a lot of people were upset (me included, actually), I decided to add a happy ending. After all, happy endings are much more fun.**

**This takes place… say, a week after they escape the mansion, however they manage that.**

**I don't own anything. Except the plot and China's pretty ass necklace, which I so want. I don't actually own that either, thinking about it. But I came up with it, so… **

**Hetalia ain't mine.**

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The summoning circle glowed brightly as England continued the incantation. America, standing nearby, frowned.

"Are you sure this'll work?"

"Of course he's not," France murmured. "That's why he didn't invite anyone who lost someone. And why he didn't want you to come along."

"Yeah, but-"

They were interrupted by a brilliant flash of light. England let out an expectant hiss as the light faded.

"Ow! Whoever's lying on my foot, get off!"

"You should be nicer to girls, Roma."

"What do you- EEK! Sorry, Belarus!"

"Well, it worked," America muttered, beginning to hunt through the pile of no-longer-dead nations. "MATTIE!"

Canada smiled, accepting his brother's tackle hug. "Hello Al. Good to see you too. I do need to breathe, you know…"

"Aiyah!" China complained. "Being brought back from the dead was even worse than dying in the first place~aru!" He turned awkwardly to Germany, who'd landed next to him. "Ah… No hard feelings?"

The other nation rolled his eyes, walking over to Italy. "Honestly… Just because I died doesn't mean you should as well! Run fifteen laps!"

"But, Doitsu, I just came _back_ from the dead! And what about Japan? Won't he want to see us?"

England chuckled, wrapping one arm around Canada's shoulders. "Oh, don't worry about that. I think there's someone else he'll want to see first."

The not-dead nations began to scatter in order to shock and possibly terrorize their didn't-die-at-all relatives, until only China was left.

"Hey, Opium."

"What is it?"

"Where's Japan~aru? I need to talk to him."

"He's here, actually." England gestured at the house. "Top floor, third door on the left."

"Thanks." China walked into the house, enjoying the shocked and joyful screams as friends and family reunited. He took the stairs three at a time—why was there no elevator?—and knocked on the door England had specified.

"Yes?" came Japan's muffled reply.

Maybe it was cruel, but China didn't answer. He just knocked again. And again. And again. Finally, he heard rustling as Japan got up from wherever he'd been sitting and made his way to the door. "Alright, what is it-"

He froze, eyes comically wide. "Ch-China…nii…?"

"Hi, Kiku-di. Nice day today, isn't it~aru- Oomph!"

Kiku flung himself at the older nation, wrapping slender arms around his neck. Yao hesitantly put his own arms around the other's waist. "Hey… Shh, it's okay now~aru… I'm back now, yeah?"

Japan just tightened his grip, burying his face in China's chest and- not crying, exactly, but letting out a quiet keening noise. "Y-Yao-ge… I was so scared… And you- You _idiot_! Why did you have to do something so stupid?!"

Yao blinked. "I did what I had to~aru. But we're safe now, right?" He took a couple steps forward so he could shut the door.

"I… suppose so, yes, but still-"

"Hey~aru. It's alright. I'm here~aru."

Yao gently pressed a kiss to Kiku's head, brushing back his black hair. The younger sniffled softly, looking up at him with teary brown eyes. "I just… I missed you so much, and I… I'm so sorry!"

"Kiku-di~aru… It wasn't your fault, don't apologize!"

"Y-Yes it was!" he cried. "If I'd- If I hadn't said anything-"

"If you hadn't said anything, I would've confessed~aru. I would never have survived that trial, no matter what you or anyone else did. And no one could have stopped me from killing Spain and Germany~aru."

He carefully lifted Japan up bridal style and sat on the bed, the younger nation perched in his lap, then frowned. "You're so light~aru. Have you been eating enough?"

"Well… I… Yes, of course."

"Kiku-di~aru…"

"…Maybe… I've been busy!" he tried.

Yao sighed, gently depositing Kiku on the bed. "I'll go get some food. Stay here, okay~aru?"

"Uh huh," the younger murmured. China smiled, brushing the back of his hand across his brother's cheek and leaving the room.

He walked down the stairs quickly, entering the kitchen, where France was. No surprise there.

"Ah, China! Good to see you're still alive."

"Of course I'm still alive~aru! Hey, do you have anything to eat?"

"Of course. What would you like?"

"Um… Do you have sushi? Or nikujaga?"

"Oh, is this for _ton petit Japon_?"

"I don't know what that means~aru."

"Ohonhonhon~!" France passed him a plate of sushi, and Yao took it back upstairs. He ducked through the door, muttering about the stairs, and sat back on the bed. Kiku uncoiled himself from where he'd settled.

"Back already?"

"Yep. Here~aru." He handed over the plate. Japan nodded his thanks and took a bite, then apparently realized how hungry he was and began almost throwing it into his mouth, somehow still looking graceful.

"You're going to choke if you keep doing that~aru."

Japan stopped eating. "Oh! My apologies; you must be hungry too-"

"No, I'm fine~aru. Don't worry about it."

"But-"

"I'm fine~aru! Honestly, Kiku-di, you need to worry about yourself more!"

"Ah… Sorry?" Japan said uncertainly.

China sighed, yawning. "Uwaaah… Coming back from the dead is tiring work~aru. I'm going to go sleep." He made to get up.

Kiku shifted to the side. "You can stay here… Ah, if you'd like, that is, you don't have to…"

Yao blinked, processing. Then he more or less tackled his brother to the bed, hugging him. "You'd let me sleep with you? Aw, Kiku-di, that's so cute~aru!"

Japan blushed bright red. "W-well… you did just come back from the dead and all… I suppose I could tolerate it. B-but just this once!"

Yao laughed, snuggling into the blankets and wrapping his arms around Kiku's waist. The younger nation squeaked. "Y-Yao-ge! L-let go!"

"No~aru! You're too cute to not cuddle with!"

Japan sighed and shut his eyes, silently acquiescing.

The hours passed slowly. Yao woke occasionally, found Kiku still lying in his arms, and drifted off again. There were some nightmares, of course, of heat and pain and the sound of bombs, but he woke and found himself safe, so he didn't care.

It was on one of these occasions that he noticed it.

The moon was almost full that night, and it shone on something around Kiku's neck. Japan had never been one for jewelry, so Yao was naturally confused. He reached out a hand and pulled at the chain, revealing the dragon charm he'd put in the box he'd snuck into Japan's room before the trial.

Yao smiled sadly, gently brushing his fingers through the younger's hair. "So you did keep it~aru…"

Kiku twitched, bolting away from his brother's hand as he sat upright, one hand reaching to clasp at the charm. He stared at Yao with startled, unseeing eyes for almost a minute, before life flooded into them once more and he sighed, the tension leaving his frame.

"Kiku-di…?"

"Oh! Sorry, Yao-ge. You… startled me."

"Then I should be the one apologizing~aru." Yao gestured for Japan to come closer, wrapping his arms tightly around the slender nation once more when he complied. "You know I meant what I said in that letter, right?" he murmured. "Wo ai ni, Kiku. More than anything."

Japan blinked for a second, uncomprehending. Then he smiled, just slightly. "Aishiteru, Yao." He snuggled up against China's chest and fell asleep without another word.

Yao smiled. "Good night," he whispered. Then he drifted off as well.

Neither of them woke again that night.

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**And I am done another story! I like oneshots. I've finished so many since I started writing them…**

**Ton petit Japon is French for your little Japan, by the way. Normally japon wouldn't be capitalized, because French is weird and doesn't capitalize country names, but since in this case it's a proper name I capitalized it anyway.**

**Well then, I don't really have anything to say.**

**See ya~!**

**-Bird**


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